I’m weird for a lot of reasons. One of them being the fact that I’m so encouraged the topic of depression is being talked about more openly and more freely these days. It’s becoming less of a taboo subject, which means individuals are finding the safe places their heart yearns for in order to journey toward healing.

Why is this encouraging?

Because one of the (many) lies tacked on by depression is that we are alone in our suffering. That no one sees us, or even cares about us. Such dark hopelessness builds and festers until it permeates every corner and crevice of our mind. It acts as a leech, sucking all the life right out of us, until we believe the lies and crumple under the weight of them.

Talk about a heartbreaking environment to live in! 

I know because I lived in such emotional turmoil, wrestling with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts since my teen years (and to show my age here, that’s over two decades).

So while I’m not a professional of the mind, I am someone who lived in a state of emotional decay for 20+ years. Until eventually that pit of depression and hopelessness became my grave (metaphorically/ spiritually).

But today I stand as an individual internally healed. *sobs happy tears* I am alive, with fresh breath in my heart and mind.

Freedom and healing ARE possible. The lies have it all wrong, friend.

You CAN overcome. You ARE NOT alone. You ARE loved.

By this point you’re probably hoping I’ll get to my point. Ha!

As a writer, I’ve learned that the stories which resonate with readers most are the stories where the author had the courage to be real and raw. Where the heartache poured out from the deepest parts of themselves.

Although, because of the insecurities associated with depression and anxiety, it took me by surprise that I’d done this very thing with Illusionary.

Which for other creatives, it’s like … DUH. That’s art, Desiree. LOL. Meaningful art and stories bleed from our heart onto the pages. But I’d never been brave enough to be raw. For years, I struggled with finding my “author voice” because I wrestled with my self-worth, mirroring what I thought would please other people (yet more pitfalls of living in emotional decay).

So, let’s chat about the particular scene in Illusionary that caught me by surprise. Well … it pretty much whacked me upside the head. LOL. I won’t give out spoilers! But this is a reference point for those who have read (or are thinking about reading) the book.

FYI: it’s the portion of the adventure where Kam encounters Reese bound in chains.

I can’t share the deeper context of the scene, otherwise, it would be full of spoilers, as it is a pivotal moment for Kam and Reese. (If you’ve read it and want to chat on the side, I’d totally be down for that.)

However, I will say … Reese “found” himself bound in chains as a result of living in a state of emotional turmoil.

During the edits of this scene, my editor essentially called me out for the clichéd one-liners I threw out via Kam to “help” Reese. My editor knew the moment could be more. And Lord bless her, because that particular nudge set off an internal dialogue, causing a massive lightbulb to go off.

In order to fix the clichéd one-liners, I had to fully understand what it was that Reese needed at that moment. No one else could accept Truth for him. No one else could unlock the chains for him. He had to make those choices for himself. And even though he didn’t have the strength to fight, he had to at least want to.

So I pondered long and hard, imagining what Kam could do that would feel realistic and authentic. But not just a bandage. Reese deserved something better. He deserved true lasting healing. Not a temporary fix that somehow avoided the bigger issue.

As I stared at my computer screen, relating to Reese in his chains of sorrow, the underlining picture fell into place. Piece by agonizing piece.

Until the question no longer became “what did Reese need”.

Instead … what did I need?

To say that I fell into a heaping, sobbing mess would be an understatement. Reese’s entire adventure in Illusionary replayed in my head, and the truth punched me right in my broken, dead heart.

Illusionary was me. Kam was the playful, awkward half. Reese was my secret darkness.

The shutting out emotions because life had become too painful—me.

The statement of [spoiler! Ahhh I wanted to add this!]—me.

The icky, dark shadows whispering their curses—my self-doubt.

All of the things I kept sweeping under the imaginary rug had bled out onto the pages. The reality of what I’d done was almost too much to bear. But it paved the way for the long road to healing.

Even though—at that time in my life—I was too weak, emotionally and spiritually, to drag myself out of my pit of despair, I still wanted out.

I desperately wanted a hug.

I desperately yearned for someone to fight for me.

I prayed for a “Kam” to help me stand until I had enough strength in my legs to stand on my own.

Therefore, I gave Reese what I yearned for most.

A champion.